an interpretation of me being sick and bitching about everything cause i'm as emo as they come. 

news flash: college gets better...

college gets a hell of a lot better after you have that one day where your teacher is hot, your computer is fixed, the plan to corrupt your room mate gets underway, you have little to no homework, and half naked boys sleep on your floor screaming out occasionally "the fucking chinese" or "haha you're a loser". all it takes is that one night you don't get any sleep cause you keep hearing "oh the rocketship will work just shove it up your ass" and "i can totally fit my apple in your banana peel". All it takes is one guy to know who the letter people are or that can find the song "Star Trekkin across the Universe" for you. I guess what I'm saying is, you just have to mee some people that are as weird as you and things will get much better. The glass will get more full.

college is exhausting.

its more difficult to make friends then one would imagine. its exhausting.

(sorry i know the switching from first to second person is annoying)

physically exhausting, to track down candidates that you think would appreciate your quirks and be able to if not match then at least deal with your energy levels and love of rodents.

mentally exhausting, to try to find something in common with the person you're trying to hold a conversation with.

ethically exhausting, to try to decide if extremely christian people are worth the engaged conversations because you aren't sure if they are going to appreciate your views on religion or are they really just talking to you because they think you went to a private religious institution when in reality you just bullshited the religious aspects of your education so that the rest would get you a measly 28 on your act.

spiritually exhausting, to go up and talk to the millionth person and start off your conversation with "hey, my names carolyn. i'm from st. louis, yea thats right missouri. no its nothing like here. yes i'm a far away from home. yes it was hard to move half way across the county. yes i miss my friends. and your name is? yea i'm really sorry but chances are i'm not going to remember that. where are you from? oh, 10 min away? what are you studying? oh your in the honors program? no i'm not. oh you went to a public school? so you were in the top of your class? thats very cool. validvictorian huh? thats awesome. congratulations. so you are in the honors program for that? 4.5 gpa? thats cool too. oh so you got a 25 on your act? thats very good. no, i didn't do so great on that one. so what dorm are you in? corbit? thats cool. i'm in newsom. yea thats the one with not air conditioning. or wireless access in the dorms. yea its nice. no we don't have suites. do you like your room mate? they are your best friend? thats cool. no, i'm not fond of mine. we're complete opposites. do i wanna go to a party? sure i'd love to. its 10 miles off campus cause thats the nearest your willing to get alcohol to campus? well, thats kinda far away. i should bring all my friends? damn, i'd love to. but i can't." how is it possible to start up the five millionth conversation with someone when they seem to go all the same way. although there have been a few exceptions.

visually exhausting to be in such a gorgeous place and not be able to share it with any one i really really care about.

audibly exhausting to hear some the ignorant shit thats muttered here only to know that now spread out all over the country you have people that really understand you and know what you are about and if not totally agree with you then at least understand where you are coming from but know that you really don't want to call them cause that'll make you only more homesick to hear their voices.

there are ups and downs of course.

you win a fish. congratulations, you have something to be friends with. its stupid you know but its something. if nothing else its an excuse, oh sorry i gotta leave this extremely dull conversation to go feed my goldfish. yes thats right its still alive. you wake up one morning and he's floating on his side in the $5.95 dog dish you purchased just for him. now you're only thoughts are: i hope i don't spill him in the hallway as i walk down the hall to flush him, and what am i going to do with the extra fish food.

you meet a guy named nate. hes really nice very pretty. seems to be midly interested in talking to you. although it could be just to get out of doing the "csu team building for the future" activities. he invites you to a party. you're psyched. he says he'll give you a call after the late night trip to walmart tonight. you give him your number and think, are you really even going to remember my name?

the time for walmart approaches. your room mate backs out on you but you find a group of people, of whos names you aren't sure of, to accompany you. you miss the bus. so you decide to drive. it feels good to drive again. you haven't done any of that since you got here. after 30 min of being lost in a foreign town you find the super walmart. going against your basic principals of walmart is inheritantly evil and you shouldn't buy from them you buy a few crates for your room, rug to hide the stains on the floor, a water bottle to steal lemonade from the cafeteria, a box of pop tarts for those times you are late for class, some fish food, some 10 cent notebooks and a box of cheezits. you leave, go back to your dorm, unpack your stuff, talk to a few people online, and go to bed knowing nate forgot to call.

your phone isn't plugged into the right jack for 3 days but you assume thats not necessarily a terrible thing because no one knows the number, therefore who cares if its plugged in or not.

you are running low on clean clothes cause you havne't done laundry since you were at home 2 weeks ago. the henna tattoo you got at the frosh week carnival stained your pillow yellow cause the genius that your mom was got you beige sheets that are too big for your bed. so your bed is just a mass of baggy wrinkled yellow stained cotton. and you find out that the laundry room is on the exact opposite side of your dorm room. you happen to be on the 3rd floor southwest wing up 4 flights of steps at the end of the hall farthest from the steps but its good cause you are right by the fire escape you hope you never have to use. and the laundrey room is in the north east corner of the dorm in the basement down 3 hallways. one load of laundry, you learn, costs one dollar to wash and one dollar to load. which you have to load on to your student id. its great when all your money happens to be in the bank. a bank where you can find an atm on every other street corner in st. louis. in fort collins its a different story and not willing to pay the millions of dollars in foreign atm transactions you are forced to find the nearest shamrock gas station that happens to have an atm in it cause thats your only source of getting money. and until then you will be forced to sleep on the undesired naturally yellow colored sheets and fabreez your shirts so that don't reek as you meander down the hallway.

showers are a similar story, they make it so difficult to do something so simple. walk half way down the hall with your towell and your shower caddy. remember the code. is it 2411? 4211? 1214? 1412? 2141? 4121? something to that effect. or maybe it has an 8 in it. who knows. wait for someone to open the door for you. which can be a difficult task when its quarter to 2. thats when i seem to take my showers, whether it be am or pm. walk in. to the left you have 3 toilets and 2 potted flowers filled urinals. i don't know what thats about. in the middle you have 6 sinks lined up back to back. to the right you have 2 outcoves each containing 2 "shower spaces". each outcove has about 3 ft by 6ft of space in which are hundreds of yards of curtain, tile floor, and 2 shower heads. i perfer to shower at a time when there is no one else showering because if you spend 15 min arranging the curtains you can utilize the entire 3ft by 6ft space and have it all to your self. otherwise you are un naturally close to another naked human being and separated by a few yards of curtain which like to not only cling to your body as you wash but also like to for no reason at all step out of the way revealing you to everything else in the bathroom at that time. i'm thinkin of fashioning clamps or snaps or something to keep the curtains in their places. away from me but shielding me. so then comes the classic decision. do you take off your clothes inside the shower or outside the shower. do you get your clothes wet? you might have to wear them to your class tomarrow cause all your other clothes reek. another problem presents itself. how do you get back to your room. do you reclothe yourself in the dirty clothes you just took off thus defeating the purpose of taking a shower. or do you walk back to your dorm in a towell. naked is out of the question so i just trust a good strong tucking job and walk back in my nerinx provided towell.

today you figure you'll just recooperate from the hecticness of the past few weeks by sleeping in late. you might go down to the dining hall to eat but that would require finding someone to sit with. so you might just stay up in your room and eat ramen and cheezits and drink some lemonade you stole from the dining hall yesterday. for dinner you can have a pop tart and pringles. your room mate has left early to meet up with some friends so theres no hope there. but you can actually play whatever music you want and whatever level you feel like because the people across the hall are at church. it seems right now people are either at church or hung over. an interesting concept.

so i believe this is long enough. time to go shower or something. flush justin. all pipes lead to the ocean or some such thing. something i find hard to believe living in such a land locked state. get dressed in something. draw some pictures for my very blank wall. yesterday i did one of johnny depp that is pretty freakin fantastic. looks (please excuse the following choice of vocabulary) hella like him. let me know if anyone is thinkin anything like this cause i'm thinkin that would make me feel a little better.

A close up of Justin. 

My new fish, Justin, named after a guy in my class who I don't remember what he looks like, sittin in my new dog-dish-fish-bowl. 

my side of the dorm...all moved in... 

Guess who's side of the room.... 

My roommate Brecca... 

Fight on, you stalwart Ram Team, on to the goal.

Fight on, you stalwart Ram Team, on to the goal. Tear the Buffalo's line asunder as down the field we thunder; Knights of the Green and Gold, fight on with all your might. Fight on, you stalwart Ram Team-FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! GO RAMS!

So I'm at college. Well, nearly. I did the whole orientation thing. One last night with the fam. I move in tomarrow. Say bye bye to the last of my entourage. And I will be on my own. And guess what. I'm okay with that. It still blows to be so far away from everyone. But I'm dealin with that. I've met some people and hey, I actually remebered a few of their names. Cameron, Kevin, Kainoa, Robyn, Emily, a guy that looks and acts a lot like Van (he even has a beard).

So college smells different. I belive the rest of the girls will back me up here. Yeah, sure I'm in Colorado. There is maybe a 2% humidity rate. Maybe. On a wet day. If it just rained. And there are mountains and trees and wild just about everything here. And it smells like it too. But I'm not talking about that. Yea it smells like mountains just like I'm sure California or some other coastal state smells more like the ocean. More so, anyway then Missouri or Kansas. But what I'm talkin about is that smell of testosterone. For much too long I was the only testosterone (don't ask me why I typed that) I could smell in a school setting and that wasn't pretty. College smells like boys. So far thats a good thing. In a few days, check back in with me. But so far I really like this. Walk past boys. Smell the boys. See the boys. Talk to the boys. Boys of all sorts. Boys with mohawks. Boys with cute butts. Boys with no butts. Gay boys. Straight boys. Punk boys. Preppie boys. Athletic boys. Dorky boys. Cute boys. Hot boys. Even the ugly boys. I've decided I love boys.

So you know what else I found here in Fort Collins? Yes that right a bread co. Of course out here its called Panera but its a bread co. About a mile or so from campus. About 2 miles from my dorm. And it opens in 2 days. Yes thats right. 2 days. Its opening just for me. Theres also a Taco Bell so I won't go completely crazy. I think I was completely apprehensive (and yes even regretting moving out here) until I saw that Taco Bell goodness. All my fears melted away. That sounds unbelievably dumb. But who cares. I feel more at home now. Which is good.

Other random notes. I'm on facebook. If you are reading this, come find me. I'll talk to you again from on campus. Please let me sleep tonight cause I have to be up by about 5am to pack up the car and drive the 2 hours to Fort Collins. BLARG. I was never a morning person.

Me. And the mountains. Duh. 

The mountain sheep with a really bad hair day. Not to mention a gimpy leg. 

The view from the top. 

A picture my sister took which explains why it is a little crooked. So much potential. Oh well. 

A marmot on the side of the road. 

Mountain sheep we saw on the way down. 

Mountain goats we saw on the way up. 

Kickass view from the top of Mt. Evans. 

Excited? Hardly...

And although I feel bad lying to the millions of people that seem to ask me if I'm excited about college...I would feel equally as bad bringing them down and depressing them.

So this college "experience" continues to blow. I think it might be better if I knew what I was getting myself into. Or if I saw that there was a point to us leaving on Thursday instead of Friday or even Saturday. However, we have not done anything. At all. Got into Denver last night at about 5:30. Ate dinner with my Aunt Linda and cousin Stacia at Souper! Salad!. Nasty buffet food. Not my first choice. Came back here and slept. Was awoken this morning to my Uncle Kenny and cousin Kevin walking into the living room where I was sprawled out somewhat half naked on the couch. Cute. Showered and dressed and found out that I was not only not registered for my placement tests, my fall preview orientation, or my parking permits but I was also had a 72 page long Math Review Sheet to lookover for my test on Tuesday. After this depressing bit of news our agenda for nothing was planned.

Apparently my mom freaks out when the family doesn't do either of the following things on vacations: eat regular meals, wake up before 9, get regular exercise, be together in any way shape or form. So we did all of the following. Except I got a slight headache on our hike and exaggerated its agony so that I could go sleep in the car. Right now I'm still "sick" and "napping" in the other room. Later I get to go to KingSoopers (Shnuckies) and shop with my mom. Then I get to study for math, spanish, and alcohol prevention in addition to figuring out how to set up wireless internet access in my dorm room or anywhere else in this wired godforsaken state.

Tomarrow I get to travel with my family to Loveland to visit my great grandmother and meet Brecca (my room mate) for lunch. Should be fun. Later tomarrow evening I have a barbque dinner thing with the rest of my family. Can't wait.

Basically, I miss all my friends. And knowing where I am (Today I tried going to Taco Bell for lunch and I got very very lost). And having things (or nothings) to do all the time. And my bed. And my puppies (yes even the licky one). But mostly my friends. What I wouldn't give for just one you.

I'll Be a Sex God From Keggling Across Kansas

Anyone who knows me should know that I more than anyone I know really really hates to leave a party before it ends. I like to milk a party for all its worth. So this whole leaving St. Louis before anyone else really blows. I feel like a four year old screaming and throwing a shit on the floor of the kitchen just cause I can’t have a cookie. And the fact that I not only have to unwillingly go across country but I have to live with the fact that I chose this for myself and I have to drive myself away. This continues to blow donkey chunks.

I hope everyone does twice as well as I've been doing when that infamous time comes when they have to pack up all of their belongings and move across country saying goodbye to all of their family and friends. And for those of you that don't have to do that anytime soon, well Nick, I've come to conclusion (to make me feel better at least) that you are incapable of making the move and I am therefore stronger than you. At least in this way.

Right so we were on the road. We stopped in Topeka for a bit o’ shut eye. That’s right. An entire day of driving done and we’re only in Topeka. Well, that happens when it takes you three freaking hours to get out of St. Louis thanks to traffic on 70. We were in the thick of that. We ate dinner in Columbia (Applebees if anyone was wondering). We got through Kansas City without getting too lost around 10:30. Rolled into Topeka about 12:30. It is now 8:30 and we’re starting off.

This is really bizarre. Mostly because it doesn’t really seem like I’m moving across country. It just seems like we’re going on a vacation. And it is taking forever to get through Missouri. So the car set-up is such: My dad is driving the Escape which is hitched up to the trailer which has both his bike and my bike on the back. He gets to enjoy this lovely car ride with my sneezit of a sister. Last I heard they were listening to Mexican polka music and playing Mario Kart. But she found my System of a Down CD so that’s all that matters. My mom is currently driving my Pluto baby with all the material objects of my life stuffed as best as possible into the back. I’ll be driving when we stop in Salina (99 miles) for gas. Its been an interesting trip thus far. My mom have been playing the clean version of “Would You Rather” as well as seeing if we can name all of the state capitals (which we did no thanks to the little shit that is South Carolina) and as many of the presidents as possible (we’ve gotten like 28 of them so far).

The music choices have been clean. Right now it is the soundtrack to Armageddon. We’ve done Bare Naked Ladies, the Beatles, Garden State soundtrack, etc. You get the point. Feel good music. Stuff that’s for the most part happy or at least low key with the exception of Aerosmith singing I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. That was my doing. But did you ever just want to listen to some really loud, obnoxious, crude, fast music? Yeah well I know the feeling. That’s all I want to listen to. Hard Fucking by Tenacious D. Violent Pornography by System of a Down. Something that my mom will no doubt not like. That is why I’d kinda prefer my dad to drive this car for a bit. However I think hes a little skeptical to share a tight space with an emotionally charged teenage girl who he can’t seem to understand.

I think I’ve been pretty good about all of this. I mean my mother is listening to Leaving on a Jet Plane and I’m perfectly composed. I’m proud of myself. Of course, later I might regret convincing my subconscious into thinking that this is an unusually long vacation. Until that point, I will survive. Battery is low. Talk to you later.

P.S. I forgot my toothbrush.

an intellectual of the oatmeal raisin kind...

*the following is a letter that i wrote to myself back in february (?) on senior retreat...i received it in the mail today and i must say...i think myself a smart cookie*

Dear Carolyn,

How the hell are you? I'm sure you've cried half a dozen times in the last couple of months, you wuss. So as you now recall, we were instructed to write a letter to remind ourselves of what to keep in mind in college. So here it goes: Keep in mind that college is going to be a blast but not to let your friends excape you. Make sure to have at least 3 ways of contacting them at all times. Remember the joys of riding your motorcycle. Don't forget your sister. Insist that she comes to visit you because you'll need some aspect of home to reality check you every now and then. Email your dad. Call your mom. Visit your grandparents whether you like it or not. Get close to Aunt Shelly. You are going to need her. Make a shit load of new friends. Never forget who you are. Don't be afraid to show your feelings. Make it hard for people to embaress you. Don't forget all of the goodtimes you had in high school but don't bore your roommate with stories she doesn't care about. Don't lose sight of why you're at college. Get an education. Have the time of your life. Live on a budget. Work out every now and then. Play some form of softball. Don't take a boy to college. Hug someone every day. Have your own style. Don't drink too much. Never get caught. Don't sweat teh petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things. Love. Live. Ride to live. Live to ride. Rock and roll and all that jazz. Don't distrust "the system" but constantly question it. Find a church. Update your website. Carpe dium and all that shit. Some awkward moments are good. And remeber: "No running with scissors or any other pointy objects. It's all good fun till someone loses an eye."
~Carolyn

hackysacks, rosaries, and frisco melts...

so i made a hackey sack out of yarn and lemon drops tonight...its pretty fuckin awesome....its like a regular hackysack in all ways except it doesn't have that grungy smell...smells like trix or some such childhood food....i think thats probably the coolest thing anyone can crochet....hackysacks...handsdown....scarves are cool too i guess but they are only one season worthy...same with most hats....and blankets....you can't walk around with a blanket all the time if you are over the age of 4....not cool....purses are stupid...its all about the cargo pockets now anyway....cargo pockets and messenger bags...and a crocheted messenger bag would just be stupid looking...so yea...hackysacks...thats all you got...i think i might make another and dip it in axe or something that smells good and put it in my car....it needs some freshening up...gets a little skanky....hm...we'll see....

i also made a rosary today...yea thats right...me a rosary...my gma wanted one...don't even ask its a long story...but yea... i made it out of hemp and pony beads which is kinda sweet...i think its accurate and it actually doesn't look that bad...for a rosary....

lets see, what else did i do....i did some errands today...got the backing for my nh t-shirt quilt...no batman...no superman....no motorcycles....just blue but it'll look good...ate at taco bell and the king and i...which is cool...two of my favorite foods...god i hope there are taco bells in fort collins...which reminds me...i need a frisco melt before i go....there are no steak n shakes in the land of my future home...maybe they will like rollar blades there...

what if distance were lucky charms and we could just eat it all away?

so you know what i realized? i will be 10 hours away from my nearest friend (susi at KU)...cool huh? yea i think not....the closest girl will be in Truman...i think...whats with all you northeasterners...i hate you all...10 hours from hte nearest person.....13 from the nearest girl....damn....i think i get to take the medal for the person living furthest away...what a shitty medal...i bet its either made of gold so as to provide a feeble compensation or belly button lint so as to mock the person superfulously...its like...ha not only are you the furthest person away but you also get a shitty medal made out of belly button lint...congrats....this continues to blow...

so i talked to my room mate again today...brecca....she seems pretty cool...we just seem very different and i'm kinda curious as to how this is going to work out...i just hope she can cope with me...put up with my quirks....god knows there are a lot of them...

an insomniac's ramblings

right so i can't sleep...i don't know why...i keep thinkin of the most random college bullshit and its making me really upset...for example....in less than 9 days i'm going to have to find new banks, new taco bells, new shnuckies, new highways, new classes, new buildings, new friends, new family, new sports, new teams, new clubs, new roommates, new foods, new people, new teachers, new bills, new interenet connections, new pens, new just about everything....i'm going to have to live without my dogs, homecooked meals, steaknshakes, ted drews, snow cones, and a lot of other stuff that makes life worth living....i'm going to have to somehow find a way to stuff all of my shit into my car...anything that can't fit in my car will obviously not fit in my dorm....i'll have to take that rediculously large leap into independency which strangely resembles that jump that the fellowship had to make in the caves when gandalf fell and almost died or transformed or whatever the hell happened to him....mybe i'll fall...inevitably i won't die cause its just college...i'll live...it can't be THAT hard....otherwise people wouldn't willingly go....so i'll just transform into somethin else....i'll be white instead of gray....or puc is some people's case...but i don't want to be white or puc or any other color than the one i am when i'm in a cuddle pile with all 300 of my closest and dearest friends, eating a frisco melt and a crunchwrap supreme and drinking a frog in the blender snowcone, listening to sweetness by jimmy eat world, covered in brownie batter, with newsies playing in the background...cause you know what? that pretty much sums up the place i want to be right now...you get me that...it'll be paradise...but until then i'm going to try to sleep...cause i got no where better to be...and thats the closest i'll come...

I'm a bitch, get over it!

Alright so welcome to my blog...i don't know how you found the place but here it goes...i have no idea why i started it...but you are welcome to comment on anything i write....i'd just like to warn you by saying...i don't usually put stuff into writing cause i'm a firm believer that i don't think anyone is allowed to know what i'm thinkin except for people who know me so well that they can read my minds...so these posts are probably going to be just me ranting about shit you don't care about...but enjoy