it isn't working

i don't think this whole thing is working

start classes tomorrow...maybe that will change something but i'm not that optimistic...

got 3 classes tomorrow...calc with j... spanish with no one that i know so far...and microeco...which is nasty...but i'm done by 2 which is nice...and they don't start till 10 which is also nice...

but those classes aren't going to be fun in the least...not even a little bit...but they aren't supposed to be either...i guess...and i suppose as soon as i get done with all of these nasty ass stupid classes i can start taking the good ones...the fun ones...if they have fun ones in the college of business...i wish i loved what i did...that might make things easier...

and i don't know about this room mate thing...still a little iffy on it...we had a house meeting today and everyone was very tense...like we were already driving eachother crazy...i don't know if i'm going to be able to live up to their cleaning standards...they are a little insane about that...nothing bothers me...that could present some problems...

my family is gone...i have no ride home...not that i had anything of value to go home to...

speaking of which...boy...i don't know about that either...yea sure hes cute...yea sure i like him a lot...what do i do with that...i can't do anything...he gets home from work or hangin out and he is exhausted...we don't talk much and if we do its of nothing of consequence...nothing really...just about how much we miss eachother...thats about it...so what am i supposed to do about that...i can't change where i live or where he lives...the only thing i can change is the status of the relationship...but do i want to? why shouldn't i date him...its not like i want to date anyone else...and i do like him and i do miss him...a lot...but what we are doing right now doesn't really feel like a relationship...not at all...not like anything i've ever had...i guess i just want him to come out here so we can be together...we can get closer...cause its not really happening over the phone and i'm not sure how to go about doing that...what the hell am i supposed to say? talk damn it...talk to me about something real...without completely freaking him out...

not to mention he didn't seem too thrilled that i didn't feel entirely comfortable telling my family about him...they don't need to know right now...but i'd put some serious money on the fact that he hasn't told him mother...so there...and i don't really know why...i probably would if we talked tho...but we don't..

so i guess i'll just keep up this cutesy flirting via texts...running my text bills through the mother f-ing roof...and do this bullshit talking that we do every night...how was your day good how was yours good thats cool what did you do nothing really what about you nothing thats cool i guess well i have class tomorrow i guess i'll go to bed too okay good night night...thats bullshit...not a relationship...just bullshit...

and i want him to come out here...cause then i'll know...one way or the other...and i'm almost to the point where i'd pay for that knowledge...pay the $300 for a plane ticket...but i hear that thats crazy talk...and it is...its crazy talk...even if his birthday is comin up...i don't have that kind of money...not at all...

hannah is broken too...and thats no good...cause i love her...and its like the saddest thing in the world to see her now...i want her to be better...but shes not...shes not even happy...you can tell shes miserable and just tryin to make it seem better...and it juice life for all its worth...and she shouldn't have to...just cause i love her if nothing else...fuck ms...

not a good night...i guess i'll just go with it...can't/won't/don't wanna change any of it...its just not working...