cocktail dress...

to be in love is nothing but masochism...

why the hell do we do the things we do? it doesn't even make sense... you meet someone and they touch your life to such an extent that you think about that person every day for the rest of your life. i don't understand what prompts that. how dare that person to do that. its enough to kill you. slowly. and it sucks. see a movie at blockbuster. hear a song. drive by a park. leave the state and everyone and everything behind and it still follows you. wherever you go. and its confusing as hell cause you don't know what the hell is going on in your head. are you thinking in the present or is this the past or is this a combination of the two. and when you aren't alone you don't seem so alone. and it lasts for a little while and then you end up falling asleep alone again. or you don't. but that only lasts a short time. and then you are sleeping in the middle of the bed again. i don't think i could be more emo if i started wearing my sister's pants. enjoy the lyrics.

You should try not to be so courageous
These dismal moods have become contagious

Dream a scene to brighten face
In our short years we come long way
To treat it bad, just to throw it away

Everything we had is gone
Something new has come up strong now

It’s my arms that wrap you up nice
It’s my arms, it’s my arms baby

And it’s so hard to get out of bed
She’s impossible to get out of your head 

Sticks and stones get shot through the telephone 
With instant results, we’re both left alone

And all the times I chased you away 
I simply don’t feel good 

Imagine if our world was blue and weightless 
I never meant to do wrong to you 
You’re my starfish 

Chimes use to break my wish 
Back…won’t you bring him back? Not now 

Collisions hurt and abrasions bleed 
It’s hard to deal when all you do is feel 

I slowly shoot these words like weapons
And go insane
I watch you drive your stupid car
You go away
You never were one to use caution
And you don't obey
You know I'd love to see it happen
I always tried to keep you near me
Without the pain
I love to tie us into knots
We slipped away

What a black day
I could feel your salutation
Sounding heartbeats
Intimidations

See! And we don’t mind 
Are you sane? Are you ashamed? 

it isn't working

i don't think this whole thing is working

start classes tomorrow...maybe that will change something but i'm not that optimistic...

got 3 classes tomorrow...calc with j... spanish with no one that i know so far...and microeco...which is nasty...but i'm done by 2 which is nice...and they don't start till 10 which is also nice...

but those classes aren't going to be fun in the least...not even a little bit...but they aren't supposed to be either...i guess...and i suppose as soon as i get done with all of these nasty ass stupid classes i can start taking the good ones...the fun ones...if they have fun ones in the college of business...i wish i loved what i did...that might make things easier...

and i don't know about this room mate thing...still a little iffy on it...we had a house meeting today and everyone was very tense...like we were already driving eachother crazy...i don't know if i'm going to be able to live up to their cleaning standards...they are a little insane about that...nothing bothers me...that could present some problems...

my family is gone...i have no ride home...not that i had anything of value to go home to...

speaking of which...boy...i don't know about that either...yea sure hes cute...yea sure i like him a lot...what do i do with that...i can't do anything...he gets home from work or hangin out and he is exhausted...we don't talk much and if we do its of nothing of consequence...nothing really...just about how much we miss eachother...thats about it...so what am i supposed to do about that...i can't change where i live or where he lives...the only thing i can change is the status of the relationship...but do i want to? why shouldn't i date him...its not like i want to date anyone else...and i do like him and i do miss him...a lot...but what we are doing right now doesn't really feel like a relationship...not at all...not like anything i've ever had...i guess i just want him to come out here so we can be together...we can get closer...cause its not really happening over the phone and i'm not sure how to go about doing that...what the hell am i supposed to say? talk damn it...talk to me about something real...without completely freaking him out...

not to mention he didn't seem too thrilled that i didn't feel entirely comfortable telling my family about him...they don't need to know right now...but i'd put some serious money on the fact that he hasn't told him mother...so there...and i don't really know why...i probably would if we talked tho...but we don't..

so i guess i'll just keep up this cutesy flirting via texts...running my text bills through the mother f-ing roof...and do this bullshit talking that we do every night...how was your day good how was yours good thats cool what did you do nothing really what about you nothing thats cool i guess well i have class tomorrow i guess i'll go to bed too okay good night night...thats bullshit...not a relationship...just bullshit...

and i want him to come out here...cause then i'll know...one way or the other...and i'm almost to the point where i'd pay for that knowledge...pay the $300 for a plane ticket...but i hear that thats crazy talk...and it is...its crazy talk...even if his birthday is comin up...i don't have that kind of money...not at all...

hannah is broken too...and thats no good...cause i love her...and its like the saddest thing in the world to see her now...i want her to be better...but shes not...shes not even happy...you can tell shes miserable and just tryin to make it seem better...and it juice life for all its worth...and she shouldn't have to...just cause i love her if nothing else...fuck ms...

not a good night...i guess i'll just go with it...can't/won't/don't wanna change any of it...its just not working...

still a big believer in murphy's law but things are looking up for this summer...

so i start work in like...uh...8 hours..i'm pretty freakin excited about it because the people there seem extremely laid back and kickass and such...i met the owner guy...and he is really nice...kinda goofy...which is cool...so i'm excited about that because i'll be getting paid some hard core money to be hanging out with some fun people, do some relatively easy work, and learn a lot about bikes and business and stuff like that...which in my opinion is like the best thing ever...and then you add the employee's discount on to that (FIFTY FREAKIN PERCENT) and its just icing on the freakin chocolate cake...so we'll see if it lives up to that awesomeness

so heres a list of all the shit i want to buy this summer...cause obviously i can't possibly save it all...hehehe

-membership to upperlimits
-climbing harness
-climbing shoes
-misc other climing gear necessary to climb on a regular basis
(I've decided to take up climbing can you tell?)
-slacklining webbing (50ft)
-new ratchet
-at least 2 new runners
(i'm taking up slack lining too...its about time i got back to church)
-new riding boots (over the ankle with the skid resisitant soles but look cute)
-new summer riding gloves (fingerless ones)
-a new swimsuit (haven't gotten a new one in ages)
-a new bra (don't i need it)
-new harley stuff that i can wear to work (but i'll wait 30 days so i can get the discount)

i'll also be saving up money to fix my car, convert my 883 sportster engine into a 1200 sportster engine, and for the lease payments for my apartment for next fall...

here is what i want to be able to do by the end of the summer:
-be certified to top/bottom rope climb, belay, lead climb, and all that other fun climbing stuff
-be certified to drive a commericial vehicle with passengers if necessary
-be certified to be a bartender
-understand and identify the differences between all of the harley engines and motorcycles
-be certified as a skydive instructer

so thats all of that..i'm thinking that between work and hanging out with my family and hanging out with my friends i'm not going to have time to have a boy...or to worry about boys...or to mess with boys or any of that crap...cause basically what it comes down to is that they are trouble...

so i'm already messing with ian, who...lets just say i don't know whats going on or what he thinks he is planning...he says he just misses me but does that mean that he still likes me or loves me or whatever the hell it is now? and do i still love him? but that would be rediculous cause i have seen him what? twice since august? how could i possibly still like or love or whatever a person that i haven't seen or talked to really since august? thats ludacris...so maybe i just miss him or maybe i just miss the idea of him being around...he was an amazing bf and never really did anything wrong and thats why i don't really recall the exact reason that we broke up...maybe i'm just remembering him wrong...maybe i've fixed my head into thinking that he was perfect and forced myself to forget all of his bad qualities...i suppose i'll just have to wait and find out when he gets back from ireland...

then there is dave...which i love hanging out with him and making out with him the other night was amazing and a whole lot of fun but i don't know...i don't really want to bring him into this tangled web of boys that is my life...and i don't want to piss nick off...cause that kid is like a brother to me...i love him a lot and i don't want to fuck anything up...and i believe that he has a right to be a little apprehensive about his friends hooking up because of the whole matt and sarah thing (which should be interesting how next week goes by the by)...and i get that but its a little bit different of a situation and if anything the whole bizzyq thing would probably only last the summer...i dont' really know actually...hes a fun kid tho...i like him...

then there is rick...really nice guy...interesting...fun...clingy...staulker...sorta...just kinda creepy...i love ya kid but jesus...ya just don't seem to get some things...and he just keeps showing up to random events...to the point where i'm like what the hell? and he always succeeds in making things awkward...i'm a big believer in its not awkward till you make it awkward but lord child...he has a knack for making things awkward...whatever...i think i'll just keep being nice and cordial...and keep rolling my eyes when he texts me...

then you could throw in a few other kids in the mix...like i still have a bit of a thing for eric but hopefully that will fade with the passage of time...summer of not seeing him might do the trick...corich still worries me a bit but i'm betting that will fade as well...i'm over boys like dillon and nic and mike which is damn good...i can't even see me thinking about dating any of them again...i think it just took dating a few more guys...

so working mwrfs at gateway...sunday i'll go riding or wash my bike or something like that...on tuesdays i'll go climbing or slack lining...i'm hoping to go climbing in the evenings after work...hanging out with my friends after work on some evenings but definitely saturday nights (work til 5 and then party all night)...those will be the only nights that i'll even consider drinking and i'm pretty sure it'll happen very rarely...my rents will be gone the week or so after the fourth of july...my neighbors will be gone some time mid-june...so party over there...i stop working the 12th of august...shortly after that i can move back to colorado and into my apartment...get settled and go to craig's wedding...then i start classes...so thats my summer...i'm wicked excited...and it pretty much starts now...the afternoon walks to get food and snow cones with my friends and the pool parties and the random pizza and the exercising and the eating of junk food all the freakin time and the staying up late...i love it...so my laundry can be changed now so i think i'm going to go do that...and then to bed...so that i can work tomorrow...hasta...

right so...

the best thing about a personal blog or blogs in general for that matter is that they just kinda linger around in the background and you can totally just skip a few months and therapuetically spill whatever is on your mind...which is cool...

everything i type sounds rediculous...

Have you ever been close to tragedyOr been close to folks who haveHave you ever felt a pain so powerfulSo heavy you collapseIve never had to knock on woodBut I know someone who hasWhich makes me wonder if I couldIt makes me wonder ifIve never had to knock on woodAnd Im glad I havent yetBecause Im sure it isnt goodThats the impression that I getHave you ever had the odds stacked up so highYou need a strength most dont possessOr has it ever come down to do or dieYouve got to rise above the restIve never had to knock on woodBut I know someone who hasWhich makes me wonder if I couldIt makes me wonder ifIve never had to knock on woodAnd Im glad I havent yetBecause Im sure it isnt goodThats the impression that I getIm not a coward,Ive just never been testedId like to think that if I was,I would passLook at the tested and think there but for the grace goI might be a cowards,Im afraid of what I might find outIve never had to knock on woodBut I know someone who hasWhich makes me wonder if I couldIt makes me wonder ifIve never had to knock on woodAnd Im glad I havent yetBecause Im sure it isnt goodThats the impression that I get

fuck it thank you i love you all..

murphy's law

i lost it all.

the shit hath hiteth the faneth

so pat was talkin to me today...gave me a reality check...

really over the past month...shit has gone wrong...i haven't been doing anything more wrong than usual but i seem to be gettin in trouble a lot more...lets just start with the law...jesus christ almighty...so the whole hummer thing with pat and dillon (court is in like 2 weeks), getting busted in the dorms (letter regarding the topic of my paper is supposedly in the mail), getting busted in thornton (no punishment), speeding on plum in front of the towers ($50), and speeding up at horsetooth near duncan's ridge ($71)...so all things considered...things could be a lot worse...the hummer driver is a maniac running from the cops...no punishment in thornton....could be 6 points all together for all this malarky with speeding but instead its none...i have new tires on my car...i getting new oil soon...my motorcycle is alive and well...dillon and i broke up but i suppose that is for the best...even though it pretty much kills me to talk to him and stuff...i doubt that i'm just horny...didn't really realize that i liked him that much...my dad is on my back about scholarships and fafsa (which i've been bugging him about for the past month) and jobs and resumes and where i'm living and what my major is and all that jazz...so i filled out the csusa tonight...looked into what was needed for fafsa (rents should have everything they need so lay off my back)...finished as much as i could of my resume and sent it to my dad for his stamp of approval...signed a lease yesterday (living at Ram's Village...which makes me a little nervous)...already put a down payment down on the place so it is mine for next fall..looked into major stuff tonight too...pretty sure i'm just going to be a "general business" major...simplest way out...undergraduate doesn't really matter anyway...i can do a lot with business...converts to all kinds of things...plus every other option seems to suck...business seems to be the one that i can be like "yea, i think i can actually do that one"....people have been calling me freakin out which only makes me freak out...not cool not cool in the slightest...i mean if they need to call me i want them to i want to help them out but its hard cause i can't be there for them...its really rough...i just want to be there in a second and give them the biggest hug in the world cause i know that that is the only thing that will make me feel better...school keeps on piling up...this week i have like 4 papers and 2 tests and a group project...driving myself insane over this shit...its definitely midterms...i'm thinkin as soon as spring break gets here though its going to be sooo much better...

right so all things considered i think i've been surprisingly optimistic about everything...looking for the good in things and if there are no good things then making good things happen...for example i failed an astro test today...hands down...huge test down the drain...no comin back...so i came home feeling like shit...went to dinner...apparently treated dillon like crap which i don't even really remember...and came back upstairs and convinced hannah to rearrange the room...so now we have this cool new space...its all open and feung shway or whatever the hell its called...its clean and orderly and spacious...

so pat was all talkin about how he doesn't want to see me depressed or sad in any way cause i have so much going for me...which is totally true...i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about all this bullshit cause in reality thats exactly what it is...its all bullshit...in reality i've gotten off really easy for all the shit i've been caught doing...school could be worse...things with dillon could be worse...things with my friends could be worse...things with my dad could be worse....everything could be worse but its not...its good...i'm doing alright...