feelin expressive...decided to throw up on paper and realized typing was more theraputic..

disclaimer: proceed with caution. the following may be considered sappy or otherwise uncharacteristic of your typical carolyn. you should not lose any respect for her. you should not judge her for having a vagina. you should keep in mind shes not only at a school by her self but also farther from everyone than you are so she should be given some allowances. enjoy reading this but don't make a big thing of it. feel free to comment telling carolyn how cute she is. such comments will just be deleted but the message will be appreciated. although you may enjoy this it doesn't mean other people will so please do not make this post the topic of conversation on any day ending with "y" but let people stumble across it on their own. understand that there are some personal things in here and the views expressed are those soley of carolyn on this date at this time so they are subject to change and do not represent her whole mind. it is, afterall, said that carolyn only uses a small subsection of her brain at any given time. she is, in fact, currently writing with solely her vagina and whats left of her heart after the cards lost the pennant game. again. gimme a break or chocolate. end of disclaimer.

so theres a few things on my mind as of late...most of which have to do with a certain boy...who i kinda hope doesn't read this cause i think it'd be better if he heard all this from me...but i don't think he even knows about this outlet to my thoughts so i feel pretty safe typing away here...

so theres a boy right? and i like him. I’m not really sure why. He always seems to be in a good mood. He can definitely make me laugh. We have had and could have some good times. Things are relaxed and about having fun with him. I like that. It’s college. I don’t want some intense serious relationship. That’s for later. Right now I just want to have fun. I know that I could go out with him for awhile if that is what he wanted but I don’t think it is. I think I just want to take it one day at a time with him. Have fun. Cross bridges when I come to them and not worry about titles or such goofy things. Well, I suppose they aren’t too goofy. To most people titles are how they live their lives. I don’t like living that way though. However maybe that’s because I haven’t found a title that I like to live under. Its entirely possible. I like the single life just as much as I love being in a relationship with a guy. I like the cutesy flirty stuff that’s exclusive to one guy and happens in the beginning of a relationship as much as I like flirting with random guys. I like flirting with him. Holding his hand. His arm around my back. Hugging him. Kissing him. Playing the girlfriend role. I’m okay with that. He is one of those guys where that role doesn’t freak me out because I know it wouldn’t be difficult for me to maintain. I can’t stand the mandatory nightly 3 hour phone conversations. If I talk on the phone to him, I want it to be cause I want to. Not because I have to. I don't like the freak out session when I don’t respond right away to the text messages. I don’t want that. I’m not that kind of person. The I-have-to-see-you-every-day-or-I’ll-die-attitude drives me crazy. I don't want to see him everyday. I don't want to get sick of him. I want time to wonder what he is up to. I want time to wish that I could see him. Another thing is I do not want to hurt him. Basically at the beginning of every relationship I consider it’s flaws. The things that I’m going to have to work especially hard at maintaining for this thing to work. With this particular boy, I’m going to have to concede to him every now and then. I'm going to have to be honest with him. I’ve gotten pretty good at communicating with people. Telling them how I feel.I like how I can be honest with this boy. I can tell him exactly how I feel and leave it to him to react to it how he wants. But I also feel like we could potentially work through anything. If there’s ever a time where he asks me what I’m thinking and I say that “I don’t know” then its usually because I haven’t got a clue what I’m thinking. He makes it difficult to be conscious of my thoughts and feelings because he makes me feel a whirlwind of things all at the same time. He also makes me think of a million different options and choices that I could make. It’s hard to choose when I’m around him because I’m trying so hard not to screw anything up with him. One of the hard things about this whole situation is that I have no calvery. No backup. I have no friends to okay or veto the boy. My stl friends are very little help because they don't know him. They don't see how I react with him. I want nothing more than for someone to come visit me to give me a stamp of approval or to talk me out of this insanity. I've grown so dependent on my friends that I suppose this is just one more of those things I'll just have to learn to deal with.

My friends in stl are another thing that has been on my mind a lot lately. I love my gang. Every single one of them. They make it so hard to go back to the fort. They make it hard to make friends because I have so many back home. Why must I try so hard to make friends out here? It drives me crazy sometimes. Granted I love the people I've met out there. Its just difficult.

[By the by, I'm currently listening to my itunes on shuffle and I've included the song titles that come on as I type my life away.]

I miss them so much. I can’t possibly talk to them enough. There are some people that surprised me. I didn’t think I’d miss them much at all. However, I find that I miss them more. Like George. I really like that kid. He obviously has his shit together. He knows himself more than most people our age and I’m happy for him. He is content to be who he is and doesn’t need to be told anything about himself. I really hope he finds a guy that appreciates that about him. I also miss Missy. She is so freaking cool If she only knew. I am so happy she found a boy at last and I really hope he is treating her well. I think we had a good affect on her. Brought her out of her shell.

(Narcolepsy)

I also think Katie has come out of her shell a lot too. She used to not talk. She used to not want to do anything outside of school. I think crew really helped her there. It didn’t put her exactly in a leadership position but it definitely put her in a social position where people looked up to her. And that was good for her. Same with Steph. Softball did that for her. I miss her like crazy. I really hope she comes to terms with Matt soon because she deserves a guy that sees how amazing she is,whether Matt fills those requirements or not. I know how desperately she seeks other people’s approvals. Especially Laura’s. I hope they figured their stuff out. It would be a shame to lose such an amazing friendship over boys. Stupid boys at that. Whatever happened to chicks before dicks. That concept seems to be lost on some people.

(A Kind of Magic)

Lets see. I miss Nick a lot too. Good god. Me and that kid got so close over the past summer. He is like a brother to me. Seriously. One that I always wanted. One to look out for me. Keep me out of trouble. Keep me connected to the people that mean the most to me. He has a great thing going for himself. He comes from an amazing family who just rocks my socks. He also has a great thing going with Katie. Something that I think will last awhile. They have what it takes to keep it going. They are exactly what each of them is looking for. Exactly what each of them needs. I love the two of them so much. Keegan is amazing too. She is pretty much the only person that can teach anyone to get their groove on. She’s got a sense of style all her own and she doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks. I believe that whether she does or not. It doesn’t matter how hot the boy is. If he’s stupider than shit then he isn’t worth two shits in her mind. That’s something that’s more than admirable. Her family is certifiable and always good for a laugh. She should know by now that that is something she can always fall back on.

(So Long)

I worry about her every now and then. She seems to be obsessed with drinking sometime. I understand more than most that college is the time to do stupid things and to be crazy and obnoxious. To experiment with drugs and alcohol and sex and all that jazz. Its expected and allowed. You can write off almost anything as It’s okay. It was in college. Yea sure it was sketch. But whatever. She was young and stupid. But as long as she learns something from those stupid things. And she lives to be old and stupid. I need her to remember that she can have so much fun without alcohol. She also doesn’t need to get drunk. I’m thinking a good boy that will influence her in that direction is much needed. Its about time she hooked up with a nice guy.

(I’ll Be That Girl)

Another one I worry about with drinking is Matt. He needs to realize that he is an amazingly interesting person with nothing to prove to anyone. He needs to realize that meaningless relationships with random girls are all fun and games but he'll keep hurting himself if he hasn’t gotten over Jessie. I love Matt more than life itself and as soon as he gets his act together and gets over a girl that his hurt him in ways more excruciating than most of us can ever dream he’ll be the most amazing guy that any girl should be lucky to date. He also needs to know that he doesn’t need alcohol or dip or pot or any of that crap. He is more amazing without all those drugs and shit than anyone will ever know and I can’t wait for him to realize that. He needs to be careful. I was hoping that the motorcycle I sold him was supposed to make him realize how much fun life can be.

(By Myself)

If I ever catch that boy doing drugs or drinking and riding that bike I’m going to kill him myself. I promise you that. Another person I worry about sometime is Jax. She is ridiculously cool. People should be shot for being so cool and making the rest of us look bad. She has a skill for art that I’ll never understand but I encourage with everything I’ve got. She’s got an eye and a style that will go far if she doesn’t get burned out on it in college. Her only problem is motivation but if she has a passion for it (which I know she does) she’ll go places with talent like that. I know that she has discovered alcohol in college. I know that that has brought her out of her shell immensely. Let her realize the possibilities in life.

(The Kilburn High Road)

Let her learn how to open herself up to people. I just hope she carries that over to being sober and realizes that she doesn’t need alcohol to do shit. All of those capabilities are there inside of herself. She just has to tap into them which she can do with or without alcohol. And she better tap that Luke boy cause I've never met anyone who has fit into our gang so smoothly. He seems like he belongs. And that, my friend, is cool. Dan and Nick are like that too. Where the hell did those two come from? They belong. They are crazy and weird and insane sometimes. But, although they tried, they didn't need to date anyone to get in. They just belonged. And that was cool.

(Istanbul-Not Constantinople)

You know who I love? Peter. Edward Norton himself. That kid knows stuff. You can tell he picks up on things. I’ve never seen that kid down in the dumps. I’ve only seen him in a good mood. That’s one thing I’ll never be able to master and because it is a concept that escapes me, I’ll love him forever. Same with JT. I can’t comprehend that kid’s geekyness. Him and Stu. Neither of them make any sense to me. Because of that I love them dearly. I love JT’s awkwardness. And even though that has left him, for the most part. He’ll always be that awkward kid.

(Wish You Were Here)

I also worry about Dave sometimes. God, I love that kid. He has taught me so much about myself. He doesn’t even know it. He was practically the first guy that I got close to without trying to be romantic with. He was one of the first people that made me realize what friends meant to me. He is so freaking cool. He really knows himself and really goes out of his way to be a really good friend. It has been so hard keeping in touch with him over the past couple of months cause every time I start talking to him I miss him like crazy.

(Laughing Out Loud)

It makes it hard to call him or even talk to him online. Another person like that is Angela. I can’t stand not being near her every second of the day. She has everything going for her and she is definitely one of those people you’ll read about it in like 30 years because she did something that changed the world. Or you’ll think about her in like 10 years and say to yourself, I wonder whatever happened to her. It’ll be impossible to keep in touch with that girl cause she’ll be all over the world 6 times over before she turns 25 and that’s something I’ll promise. She is determined. She has places to go and people to see. Nothing will stop her. She’s one of those people that’s so driven that she doesn’t seem real. But then she freaks out cause a boy kissed her or something ridiculously stupid like that and you know she’s human and no different than you. Which makes you love her all the more.

(It’s My Life)

Marge is another person kind of like that. She never seems real to me. She is always so cute. Always appropriate and if she’s not then its adorable cause its something out of character. If she pisses anyone off its cause she’s so lovable and people can’t help but falling head over heals for her. I’ve never really gotten to know her personally but that’s okay with me. I like the way she seems to be. Kinda Mary Poppins-esque. Perfect in every way. Don’t get me wrong. I know she’s not perfect or any such thing. But I love her all the more like this. She is going to have one of those most amazing lives. Even though I have no idea what will happen in it. I just got a feeling about her.

(Pretty Pink Ribbon)

Same with Anna. She better have things going for her cause she’ll take the world by storm. She’s driven like Angela and she’ll be challenging people’s opinions the world over. I see her doing something like the Peace Corp and being this crazy bag lady that everybody can’t help but love. For some reason the old lady in Donny Darko reminds me of her. That’ll be her. I swear. She’s too cool and too crazy to be anyone else. Ella is another person that I love for being crazy. That chick has passion. And style.

(Love Explosion)

I know shes got a mind of her own. And she’ll use it when you least expect it. That is by far my favorite characteristic of hers. Armed and dangerous. In a matter of speaking. Not armed with guns or anything but shes got this secret wit thing that’ll stun you more than her brother’s star wars replica stun gun. And knowledge of the most random things. Things that’ll shock you. How freakin cool. Shes one of those people I look back and say to myself, “Damn, self, I wish I knew them better.”

(Roxie)

That would be the same thing for Mrm. I don’t seem to know Mrm at all. But in the same way I know she’s got a lot going for her. I’ve heard something about a fire fighter. When I heard that I said to myself “G’damn. That Mrm. Crazy bitch.” And that pretty much sums up Mrm to me. She’s a crazy bitch. Someone you can talk to for half a second and fall for. A sense of humor like you wouldn’t believe and sometimes don’t understand but that doesn’t take away from it at all. You laugh cause she’s laughing and that’s for some reason more amusing than any joke could ever be. I hope she does well later in life. Whatever she does.

(I’ll Cover You)

I know I’d say that about all of my friends but I really mean that when I say that about Reba. I know we’ve had our times. My friendship with her has given me more than a headache of worry but I think we’ve done alright. I know we are no where near as close as we used to be. But I suppose that’s how it goes. I think both of us have changed quite a bit and have just grown in completely different directions. But we are at the point in our lives when we can be happy for each other. We can have fun together again.

(When I Move You Move)

Something I can’t say about all of my friends who I drifted apart from. I think Reba really showed me how I can learn to move on with people. Get past our differences and accept that we aren’t necessarily going to be the best of friends but we can still get along and be cool around each other. I really respect that about her ability to teach me that.

(Caught Up)

I’d have to say the same for Hovis. I know she gets a lot of crap for being “stupid” or “retarded” or whatever. But I got to say. She has taught me more than just about everyone. That girl knows which way is west. She knew more about Physics than I ever did and if she was ever just motivated to do the stupid work that was involved she would have been head of the class.

(Fly Away On My Zepher)

I know now that our relationship was more than just using each other. I thought that was always just what she wanted from me. She needed me to pay for her or drive her places or I was her connection to another person or something stupid like that. But now I see that I needed her too. I needed her with me. She gave me confidence in who I was. She taught me a lot about myself and what I think about other people. Also how what I think affects other people. Hovis has a good thing going with her family. She better keep that up. Not all of us are as lucky. Like Charles. That boy has not always had the best of luck with family. I hope his family gets better while he’s away at school. With distance the heart grows fonder or whatever that bullshit is.

(Tonight Is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel)

I love that kid. He is one of those people that will freak out cause of a paper cut or something minor like that. But then he’ll be calm as anything about something big and tramatic. Even if its only on the outside. He might be freaking out screaming omfg on the inside but he is as collected as anything on the outside. Genuine but calm. And that clear thinking is something that will make all your fears go away. Even if its temporary. He is one of those people that relax me because he can seem so calm and collected. I know things haven’t really been going his way in the past year. But hes got it together now. He’ll be amazing. I think college will be his time. I’m not worried about him. Amanda is another person I’m not worried about. She needs to get laid. Bad. But other than that. She’s all good. She’s a bitch and I love her for it. We all need someone to be a bitch every now and then. And Amanda is that breath of fresh air. That person to make people just quit their bitching and shut the fuck up. She’s got a way with words. Lemme tell ya. She’ll make some pathetic poor bastard happier than anything when she settles down a little bit, of course. Until then she needs to get laid.

(Over My Head Better Off Dead)

Sarah is the other person I’ll never worry about. No matter what my chica is going to be my friend. No matter what. We compliment each other. No buts about that. We’ve figured each other out. When either of us are freaking out we know exactly how to calm eachother down. Shannon made me realize that about Sarah. I guess I never really realized how when I freak out I tend to scare people. And it takes a special type of person to deal with it. Shannon can not. I may not freak out around her. It doesn’t work out well. I can freak out to Sarah all the live long day and she’ll know exactly how to calm me down and smooth out all the wrinkles in my head. In just the right way. Our only flaw is we can’t stand the thought of being without the other person.

(Let It Be)

Dai is another person that has taught me more about myself than anyone I know. She an extremely opinionated person. She’s incredibly knowledgeable about just about everything. She knows her shit. I’ll give her that. And if she doesn’t know it. She knows where we can find out. She’s creative. She’s artistic. She pushes her limits. It takes a special kind of person to be as crazy as she is. Crazy opinionated. She will be another one of those people that will be interesting to get together with in a few years just to see what happened. How things went for her. I know I’ll never be able to keep track of all her antics and I can definitely see us losing touch. Which is a shame.

(All the Small Things)

Another person I can see me losing touch with is Ian. Something I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not. I know he was an amazing person in my life. My first real boyfriend. And he was a good one. His only crime was treating me too well. The real reason I think we broke up was cause I wasn’t ready for him. I wasn’t ready to commit to him for the length we were headed for. He was too wonderful. I didn’t know how great he was until I had made some mistakes with some other losers.

(Movies)

And make mistakes with other guys is what I have done. Every guy after him has been a mistake. All of the guys after him have simply been showing me what I don’t like in guys. It’s like when you play clue. I have been dating all these other guys to see if I like Professor Plum type guys or Mrs. Scarlet type guys or Col. Mustard type guys. So far I’m just checking other people’s cards. Ian was the type of guy that I could have had a long term thing with. Unfortunately like every other relationship the timing just sucked. I didn’t know how great I had it. And by the time I realized it, we had both changed so much that we couldn’t try it again even if we wanted to. Now as far as keeping in touch with him. He’s still a great guy but I sometimes I just want to preserve him in this near perfect memory. He was an amazing boyfriend. A great friend. I screwed up. Here is what I learned from that experience. And leave it at that.

(Angel On My Bike)

So that’s my gang. Did you get that. I have a gang. And THAT is probably just about the coolest things in the world. Its pretty much even cooler cause you can refer to it as your gang. Well you know we met up with the gang. Well I got to check with the gang. Maybe someday you’ll meet my gang. I think you’ll fit in with my gang. And even though others may fit. They will never belong.

(Get A Haircut)

The gang is timeless. Its odorless. Its eclectic. Its amazing. It’ll never really change. And it never should. Its one of those things that should just keep on keeping on no matter what. The people may change and they might even leave. But they never really will. Our Steak n’ Shake might have been torn down but it’ll always exist in our memories. We might lose touch with the people in our gang. But those people will always exist. They will always have a spot in the gang. There are others that have come and gone. But these are the people that will always remain closest to me. They have touched me in one way or another.

(Million Miles Away)